moving on... and UP

For all of you who read my Sticky Note Tuesday post and the stickies to my ex, here is an update. Funny how all this time I was hating on my ex and glaring at him and ignoring him etc, he continued to stop by the HR office and talk to his good ol' friend, Drama Queen. For months he has come to the office one, if not two, times a day. I know he can't really be that interested in Drama Queen. And I know him well enough to know that he is an attention junkie. It doesn't matter if I'm glaring at him, sending him Morse Code hate messages with my eyelashes; he just wants my attention--and preferably my affection. But you know, he'll take that or leave it. Well, probably not so much anymore, but he's a creep like that. I don't think it matters that he's married now. As I've come to see, he's not the most faithful person in the world. And in the end, he just wants me to keep thinking about him.

Well, it really ticked me off that on my birthday he, as usual, came into the office, looked directly at all the "happy birthday" balloons on my desk, and just walked right past me. He never said a word. So I decided a long time ago that when his birthday rolled around, I was going to be different. I would make a special effort to wish him a happy day.

As soon as I walked in in the morning, he was already there. "Happy birthday!" I said with a friendly smile on my face. He thanked me and left.

But that's not all. He came back on his lunch break. As he walked out to leave I stopped him, again saying "Happy birthday. You're really old now," I joked. He seemed uncomfortable, like he didn't want to talk to me. But at least he said thanks and left.

And here's the good great news... (drumroll please) I haven't seen him since Monday! He hasn't been back in to the office since the day of his birthday. Now perhaps he and DQ are fighting or something, but I don't think so. I think I finally got to him. As one of my friends put it, "he sees now that you don't care anymore. You're ok with everything and you're moving on."

And it's true.

I'm moving on. Because... Shhhhh now... I met a guy. I know, I'm whispering. That's because I don't want to break the spell. Nothing has happened yet, but he did say that he would like to spend more time with me.

I'm afraid to say anymore. Besides, nothing has really happened. There's no news to tell. Hopefully there will be. I'm not sure I'm ready for any of this and I'm really scared to death of relationships, but you never know. This could be the one that changes everything. I'm just not sure I'm ready to put myself out there again. It could be one more tragedy... Or it could be the best thing ever. Gulp.

Well, this post reminded me of a poem I wrote a long time ago, back in 2007 during my senior year of college. I think it deserves to be re-posted, so here goes.

closer to nothing

every day i come closer to finding

i know less and less every day

every step i take takes me farther

from where i thought i wanted to be

and when i stand and look in the mirror

i see a face whose dull eyes i don't recognize

and then i walk away

every day it gets harder to step out on a limb

to put myself up for scrutinization

i just want to walk away

and go back to the places where i have been

and if i thought this was hard before

i didn't know what it would be

to stand empty-handed at the door

and to have no one answer me