How is it that I want to share everything with you, people who do not know me? How is it that I can let down my guard and expose my heart to you, ones who have never met me? How is it that I cannot/will not let the ones who love me most in, but I will open my door to strangers? How is it that I can express myself to you almost uninhibitedly while simultaneously locking myself behind bars of my own creation?
Is it possible that you won't care enough to hurt me? Or perhaps I have kept you far enough out to let you in... As in, I have hidden my identity enough to be anonymous while at the same time completely nonymous. Could it be that I really just want to share this life, to feel that I am not unobserved--that my life will not go unnoticed--to make my unvoiced thoughts and opinions valid?! But this is my own doing! I refuse to let anyone in the real world know me. I hide myself enough to be acceptable, funny, charming, mysterious... But really I am complex, potentially psychotic, possibly unacceptable. There is so much in my mind--things I wish to share, to validate. Do I have no equal? Is there no one worthy of my trust?
I've said too much.
Saturday, October 9, 2010
There are days when I am acutely aware of the thoughts/feelings behind my actions. Until recently, there has been a black band guarding my left ring finger--as if to scare away the bad ones and thereby deter the good ones. But I wish I could change everything about the way I protect myself sometimes, but I'm not ready to drop my guard or my walls. I can't. I won't be hurt again. And despite all the walls I put up to keep people out--to keep them from hurting me--I know there is no way to make that a reality. People will slip through the cracks and into my heart, thereby holding some sort of power over me. Little, unintentional things will hurt me. I can't avoid it.
And that makes me wonder... are the things I do avoid things I am really missing out on? By limiting my exposure to the world, am I missing opportunities to love and be loved, to enjoy life, to experience a depth of connection that I am currently lacking?
And you know, I still feel good with that ring on my left hand. It feels safe... and boring. I'd like to forget about being safe, though, and take a risk. But every time I move the ring, I remember what it's like to cry myself to sleep, to be betrayed, to know that I am not valuable in the eyes of the one I love, and I never want to experience that again. So the ring goes back to the left, my heart goes back behind bars, and I am safe again. But the question always lingers, "Is it really worth it?"
Thursday, October 7, 2010
My new room does not inspire creativity. This new house does not have a creative spot in it anywhere. This neighborhood does not contain a creative area within 3 blocks! I'm feeling rather blah lately. So yeah, I'm really missing my second story apartment. I may just have to take my computron to work with me, so I can stare out the window at the beautiful architecture all around to be inspired to write something. Heck, I can hardly write a facebook status update anymore. What am I going to do?