Sunday, October 10, 2010

to strangers

How is it that I want to share everything with you, people who do not know me? How is it that I can let down my guard and expose my heart to you, ones who have never met me? How is it that I cannot/will not let the ones who love me most in, but I will open my door to strangers? How is it that I can express myself to you almost uninhibitedly while simultaneously locking myself behind bars of my own creation?

Is it possible that you won't care enough to hurt me? Or perhaps I have kept you far enough out to let you in... As in, I have hidden my identity enough to be anonymous while at the same time completely nonymous. Could it be that I really just want to share this life, to feel that I am not unobserved--that my life will not go unnoticed--to make my unvoiced thoughts and opinions valid?! But this is my own doing! I refuse to let anyone in the real world know me. I hide myself enough to be acceptable, funny, charming, mysterious... But really I am complex, potentially psychotic, possibly unacceptable. There is so much in my mind--things I wish to share, to validate. Do I have no equal? Is there no one worthy of my trust?

I've said too much.

Saturday, October 9, 2010

it'd be nice to let down my guard

There are days when I am acutely aware of the thoughts/feelings behind my actions. Until recently, there has been a black band guarding my left ring finger--as if to scare away the bad ones and thereby deter the good ones. But I wish I could change everything about the way I protect myself sometimes, but I'm not ready to drop my guard or my walls. I can't. I won't be hurt again. And despite all the walls I put up to keep people out--to keep them from hurting me--I know there is no way to make that a reality. People will slip through the cracks and into my heart, thereby holding some sort of power over me. Little, unintentional things will hurt me. I can't avoid it. 

And that makes me wonder... are the things I do avoid things I am really missing out on? By limiting my exposure to the world, am I missing opportunities to love and be loved, to enjoy life, to experience a depth of connection that I am currently lacking? 

And you know, I still feel good with that ring on my left hand. It feels safe... and boring. I'd like to forget about being safe, though, and take a risk. But every time I move the ring, I remember what it's like to cry myself to sleep, to be betrayed, to know that I am not valuable in the eyes of the one I love, and I never want to experience that again. So the ring goes back to the left, my heart goes back behind bars, and I am safe again. But the question always lingers, "Is it really worth it?"

Thursday, October 7, 2010

uninspired dreamer

My new room does not inspire creativity. This new house does not have a creative spot in it anywhere. This neighborhood does not contain a creative area within 3 blocks! I'm feeling rather blah lately. So yeah, I'm really missing my second story apartment. I may just have to take my computron to work with me, so I can stare out the window at the beautiful architecture all around to be inspired to write something. Heck, I can hardly write a facebook status update anymore. What am I going to do?
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