Sunday, January 27, 2013

i'm back

I haven't written a post on this blog in almost two years. Maybe because I just didn't feel compelled to or maybe because there didn't seem to be anything compelling going on in my life. But that's not true. I promise you, my life has been a roller coaster since April 2011. I haven't written here because I didn't want to face the last two years. I didn't want to give it importance. I didn't want it to be real....

But it is real.

I feel like those hoarders you see on tv. Except that my house isn't a mess. As a matter of fact it's pristine (wait, don't look in my room! I never put the clean laundry away lol.) Anyway, my living room is pristine. I just cleaned and dusted and vacuumed and washed and made everything nice and pretty. So why do I feel like a hoarder? Because for so long I have been hiding behind every conceivable self medication. Name it. Name something that would numb pain. I've done it. I promise. There probably isn't a category of numbness I haven't tried. But all those numbing agents failed.

So here I am again, feeling.

For the past few years instead of making New Year's resolutions (that I will fail to keep) I set a few goals for the next year. Things like "see the ocean" and "run six 5k races." I don't always follow through on them (I only ran two 5k's last year) but I don't feel bad, because they were goals and if I didn't get to all of them, then there's always next year.

This year I added to the goals model in the form of some do's and don'ts. Now I'm not trying to be all legalistic on myself, setting up commandments so I'll feel guilty when I break them; just some guidelines. Things like, "don't leave dishes in the sink for more than one night" and "do drink more water." Great, right? Well, I found the list of guidelines tonight whilst cleaning. I decided to post them on the fridge so they would be more easily viewed. That's when I saw it: "don't watch more than 45 min of tv per night." Good one. I've been following that pretty well. Watching hours of tv is nothing more than wasted time. I thought of that in advance and counteracted it with a corresponding do: "do listen to the radio." Good idea, right? But listening to the radio can, effectively, be the same as watching tv, wasted time. That's where I added another do to the list and also where I started to feel like an emotional hoarder.

"Do read the Bible every day."

I read it as I posted it to the refrigerator. Why was that so hard to do? I'm a Christian, I teach Sunday school every week, I constantly talk about my faith, but I still find it so hard to read my Bible. How can that be? Then it occurred to me, the Bible is a big book. Sometimes I don't know where to start. There's more than 1000 pages filled with words that will bring up feelings I have been working tirelessly to numb. But tonight I knew it couldn't wait any longer... be continued. (I'm all outta feelings for the moment. Words too.)
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