dreams of flying

Well, so far nothing has happened. I facebooked him last week and we had a short convo going on, but then it just dropped off and he never responded. That was last Wednesday. And like they say on He's Just Not That Into You, if he likes you, he will make it happen. The rest is up to you (the girl). And although, at first, he said he wanted to spend more time with me (seemed like he was interested) he hasn't really shown any interest lately, so I guess I'll just let it go.

My mom keeps saying that "at least this is encouraging for me." But I'm not really sure that I'm encouraged. In a way, I'm kind of relieved that he doesn't seem to be interested, because I'm so afraid to get into another relationship. On the other hand, I'm really sad about still being single. I want so much to have somebody who loves me, wants to be with me, thinks I'm beautiful, and wants to have a family with me. I can't even imagine that ever being true. It's almost like dreaming of flying.

So I don't really know what else to say. At least he looked my way for a moment, but I'm not sure I'm encouraged by that. I saw the Ex today and my eyes danced when they met his because, in my heart, I was laughing at him. I'm free. I'm the lucky one. And that is encouraging to me!

moving on... and UP

For all of you who read my Sticky Note Tuesday post and the stickies to my ex, here is an update. Funny how all this time I was hating on my ex and glaring at him and ignoring him etc, he continued to stop by the HR office and talk to his good ol' friend, Drama Queen. For months he has come to the office one, if not two, times a day. I know he can't really be that interested in Drama Queen. And I know him well enough to know that he is an attention junkie. It doesn't matter if I'm glaring at him, sending him Morse Code hate messages with my eyelashes; he just wants my attention--and preferably my affection. But you know, he'll take that or leave it. Well, probably not so much anymore, but he's a creep like that. I don't think it matters that he's married now. As I've come to see, he's not the most faithful person in the world. And in the end, he just wants me to keep thinking about him.

Well, it really ticked me off that on my birthday he, as usual, came into the office, looked directly at all the "happy birthday" balloons on my desk, and just walked right past me. He never said a word. So I decided a long time ago that when his birthday rolled around, I was going to be different. I would make a special effort to wish him a happy day.

As soon as I walked in in the morning, he was already there. "Happy birthday!" I said with a friendly smile on my face. He thanked me and left.

But that's not all. He came back on his lunch break. As he walked out to leave I stopped him, again saying "Happy birthday. You're really old now," I joked. He seemed uncomfortable, like he didn't want to talk to me. But at least he said thanks and left.

And here's the good great news... (drumroll please) I haven't seen him since Monday! He hasn't been back in to the office since the day of his birthday. Now perhaps he and DQ are fighting or something, but I don't think so. I think I finally got to him. As one of my friends put it, "he sees now that you don't care anymore. You're ok with everything and you're moving on."

And it's true.

I'm moving on. Because... Shhhhh now... I met a guy. I know, I'm whispering. That's because I don't want to break the spell. Nothing has happened yet, but he did say that he would like to spend more time with me.

I'm afraid to say anymore. Besides, nothing has really happened. There's no news to tell. Hopefully there will be. I'm not sure I'm ready for any of this and I'm really scared to death of relationships, but you never know. This could be the one that changes everything. I'm just not sure I'm ready to put myself out there again. It could be one more tragedy... Or it could be the best thing ever. Gulp.

Well, this post reminded me of a poem I wrote a long time ago, back in 2007 during my senior year of college. I think it deserves to be re-posted, so here goes.

closer to nothing

every day i come closer to finding

i know less and less every day

every step i take takes me farther

from where i thought i wanted to be

and when i stand and look in the mirror

i see a face whose dull eyes i don't recognize

and then i walk away

every day it gets harder to step out on a limb

to put myself up for scrutinization

i just want to walk away

and go back to the places where i have been

and if i thought this was hard before

i didn't know what it would be

to stand empty-handed at the door

and to have no one answer me

six word saturday

So it's 6ws again. Unfortunately I have pretty much only one thing on my mind right now... I guess I'll just go ahead and get it off my chest!

It hurts to know you lied.

and a freebee!

You get cut off. It happens!

The second one refers to me cutting a guy off today and him actually following me to a gas station, pulling up next to my car, pounding on my winding and cussing me out. I'm not going to lie. Of all the days in this whole year, I have only been so mad about 2 other times as I was today. Things just didn't go that well (please refer to first 6 words)... This implies that upon hearing said madman cuss me out for cutting him off, I flipped and answered in like manner.

As Pretty Roomie put it, "I lost my Christianity." (Not that either of us believe you can actually lose your Christianity. It's really a false implication on our part, but that's an issue for another post.) Anyway, the phrase simply means that I didn't at all act like a Christian should.

For that, I am sorry. But I'm not going to lie. After today and yesterday, it was a little stress relieving. It did kinda freak me out to have some old guy going postal on me though. There was a nice man at the gas station who told him to leave. When Psycho-Man started cussing at him, he just responded "Hey, I'm making sure a woman is ok." I like chivalry. It's classic. Never goes out of style. It was, however, updated my my sailor-like blue slur today. I'm sure that guy wasn't sure he was protecting a woman after he heard my speech...

Anyway, that's my 6ws, plus a little commentary. But on the bright side, I think my life's looking up from here. I'll make good decisions from now on. It's a hard lesson to learn, but you have to remember that very few people can be trusted.

still breaking me

i looked into my nephew's tiny face

and all the feelings just came flooding back

and i saw his baby's tiny face

and i felt the pain all over again

i let him go

i didn't want to, but i had to

it was the right thing to do

"even with our fists held high

it never would've worked out right"

then i looked at his tiny face again

and saw, in part, my own image

the image of my family

and i knew i could've had that

i could've had it all

just like his wife has it all now

but i walked away

love at any cost,

a dull ache that wishes things were different,

is not love at all

miradas perdidas

you stand in the hallway and stare at me

feigning interest in the jobs up for post

i glance in your direction

our eyes meet

i look away, pretending i do not care

but i do.

how long?

El amor es un error lamentable. 

It's true, love is an unfortunate mistake, and those who fall into its trap will spend the rest of their lives contemplating the many truths of that statement. Oh sure, there are the few who find true love right away, but the rest of us make mistake after  mistake after mistake. 

So now what? How do I forget? I have been so unsuccesful so far. When I think about it, I am just overwhelmed. How can I still feel so much loss? How can I still feel that I love him? After everything I've seen in him and hated, how do I still see so much that I loved? And how, HOW do I let go? How do I forget? When will it stop hurting?

I asked my mom those same questions. She said when I find someone new. Well, I guess that excludes forcing a new "someone" into your life, cuz that sure didn't help me. Now all I have are more platos rotos, bad memories. 

I don't know what to do anymore. I set a date and I knew that I would be ok after that date. I would still miss him, yes, but I would be ok. It wouldn't be such a big deal anymore. Well, that term of six months is fast approaching its completion date and I am still feeling the same things. Why can't I just get over this, Lord? What is the wrong thing that I am focusing on? 

Oh how I wish I had been one of the few. The few that makes the right choices and doesn't have regrets in the end... Of course, that breed of human is non-existent, isn't it? We all make mistakes; we all have regrets. Good thing the arms of the only one who understands me completely are still open to recieve me, even when the term is up and I am still broken.