Saturday, May 30, 2009

saturday doldrums

It's Saturday and I'm bored. It's a beautiful day outside, but there's nobody to share it with. Days like this leave me trying to forget that I am alone. Trying to forget the one I still love, but have walked away from. Saturdays have brought me to the bottom of several bottles, hours in front of the telvesion, and a lot of lonely walks on the tracks. Anyway, today I am planted in front of the boob-tube, learning how to present myself as a model. Well, that is, if I were actually debuing on "America's Next Top Model." You gotta love these marathon thingies. 

Well, the real point of this post is that during one of the shoots, one model had to pose as the over-emotional cryer at an awards ceremony. She was having a lot of trouble expressing her emotions, and the host guy asked her what she was afraid of. Well, I of course, don't have any troubles crying. My mom always used to say that I would cry at the drop of a hat. Crying is not what made me think; it was the question. "What are you afraid of?" 

I started to think. What am I afraid of? I am afraid that I will never be good enough. I am afraid that I am defined by my failures. I'm afraid that my errors are the real me, and the good things I have done are the flukes. I can't tell you how afraid I am that nobody will ever love me. I didn't realize it, but I think these fears are crushing me. I live under the constant pressure that my fears are not to be dismissed, but rather the truth. I never realized that I was afraid. When I think of fear, I think of something irrational. But my thoughts seem very real. I do realize that my fears may be unfounded or untrue, but they are very real to me. The thing is, now I don't know what to do. How do I disspell fears? Everything I think about myself seems so true. 

I've been trying to get back into the habit of reading the Bible every day, but many times it doesn't seem real to me. I don't know what to study. But my mama told me... you better shop around (oh wait, that's not what she told me!) She actually told me to study something that interests you, something that you are facing in your life. I didn't know before. I hadn't thought about it, but now that I know, I can start. I just never  thought that fears were something I struggled with. I don't know where to start. I don't know what the Bible says about fears. Well, you know what they say: the joy is in the journey.

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