Sunday, May 24, 2009

better late than never

Achievement. What a word! It smacks of success, bearing pride in its own rite. And what better achievement than to graduate from college? Ah yes, you go in as a punk kid and come out four years later an esteemed scholar, full of wisdom and intelect. Or not... 

Anyway, all of these wonderful thoughts are crossing my mind because I just came from a graduation today. My own, in fact. Well, not really, if you want to get down to the heart of things. I graduated 2 years ago... or so they thought. I actually lacked 3 credits before I earned my signed diploma. It took me 2 years of procrastination, almost 1,000 dollars, and the closing of my alma matter before I got around to ecking out that last class. But you know what they say, "Better late than never." Well, I'd have to agree, although I'm not quite sure I understand when people say they are "so proud of me." It's not like there's anything to be proud of. I narrowly escaped being a college drop-out, with only one class to my lacking. It took me two years to do what should have taken two months! How can one be proud of that?

And that leads me to the rest of my life... well, at least the last two years of it. Maybe that's where all my failures started--with a lack of follow-through. I didn't finish my degree, so I didn't go into my field of study. I didn't go into my field of study, so I just got any old job. I just got any old job, so I felt content to live in standy-by mode. I was content to live in standy-by mode, so I let my relationship with God slip away. My relationship with God slipped away, and so did my desire to do his will. Now look at me--"two years older, and three more steps behind" to quote the songwriter. Failure. Not accomplishment. 

As I drove home tonight from a graduation party for some of my friends, I flipped through the radio stations, finally landing on a Christian one. "You're enough, you're enough, you're enough for meeeeee!" she sang, over and over again. I sang along, as if to convince myself through repetition. Usually I hate it when artists sing the same thing over and over witihout dissimulation, but this time it felt like there was a purpose. And as I sang, I questioned myself, "Are you really enough, God? No, honestly. Are you REALLY enough for me?" I keep asking myself that very question again and again. I haven't come to believe it yet, but, Dios mediante, I will! 

It was as if every song were directed at me. Like these words, for instance, penned and transformed masterfully into a pensive melody by Tenth Avenue North (haha, you like how cheesily I wrote that?):
"Why are you looking for love? 
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough? 
To where will you go, child, 
Tell me where will you run?
To where will you run?"
So anyway, they were good questions to ask myself. And although I keep asking them, I don't seem to come to any conclusions. I don't know why God doesn't seem like enough. I want more, I guess. But when I really stop to think, it seems like asking for more when I have the best part is really like keeping the waste left over from anything useful. For example, it's kind of like eating all the corn off the cob, but insisting on having the stalk, the leaves, the tassle and even the cob. Those things are good in their time, but when you don't need them, you simply don't need them. They just take up space and rot away. They could even become dangerous to your health. Well, that was a silly example, but I think you get my point. 

Hmmm... my thoughts are losing their cohesiveness, so I think I'll quit while I'm still ahead. I just hope that, in the end, this piece of signed paper turns out to be the beginning of the achievement that should have been started a long time ago. I guess that depends on me, right? Que Dios me de el querer y el poder de saber, y mas bien, cumplir su voluntad. 

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