i chose neither

So between my head and my heart, I chose neither. And I think that was the best for me. For as much as I was/am ready for a relationship, I wasn't ready for this one. So I walked away.

And I don't feel bad about it.

Just because somebody seemed "perfect" doesn't mean I need to be with him if he is not perfect for me. So it was the shortest relationship of all time-3 weeks. Because if you're always wishing the one you're with were more like, oh say anybody else, then the one you're with is not the right one for you. And if he, after 3 weeks, already tells you you need to learn how to cook and "Why do you need a dog, if you have me?" Hmmm... I got the dog first, so I guess if I have to choose...

Anyway, I spent all this time wondering how I could ever love being single, and without even knowing it, my mind was changed. I guess I'll just have fun and enjoy life until the right one comes along!

hmmm...

When it's between your head and your heart, what do you choose? I once heard a quote that was something like this, "Don't follow your heart, lead your heart." Sounds like a good idea to me. But what if your heart doesn't want to be led? What if your heart is a quivering baby off in a corner somewhere who just wants to stay there and be safe? What if your heart had all these expectations that were so not part of reality, so now it's just disillusioned? So maybe I should just follow my head and forget about my heart completely. I'm pretty sure I know a good thing when I see it. Why do we have to have feelings anyway? They are a pain! I am not impressed with emotions. There, I said it. Unfortunately, I have spent so much time trying to convince myself that I don't have any emotions, cuz they got all messed up with all of my lovely exes.

Hmmmm... do you think I could have both?

off my chest/off my shoulders

I know we all have times when you just want to shed a weight off your chest (like something that's stressing you out)or throw a load off your shoulders (something making you sad). That's why, periodically, I'm just going to write about something that's ticking me off or weighing me down and hopefully release myself from it.

So here goes a load off my shoulders: I hate that my ex married a girl with the exact same first and middle name! For the longest time it felt like such a slap, even though it was totally illogical.

Whew! That felt good! Unloaded!

Do you have a burden to hurl off? Comment!

i wish...

...I had a sister.

I really do. I wish we had grown up playing together, fighting, commiserating with, competing against, sharing clothes with a sister. I wish we'd drawn a line down the middle of our room and threatened each other if one item was out of place in our side. I wish we'd sneaked out the window at midnight together and spent the whole day at the pool together and hated each other so much but then thought better of it and made up the next day. I wish we'd braided and pulled and curled and cut each other's hair. I wish we'd stayed up all night telling stories and talking about boys. I wish we'd gone shopping and sat all day in the book store reading magazines and buying none. I wish we would have cried when one or the other went to college and promised to call and text and email all the time, then only done it half of the time cuz we just didn't anticipate how having our own lives would have changed us. But then we'd get together for a weekend or over the summer and pick right up where we left off. That's what sisters do. I wish that when our hearts had broken we'd cry on the other's shoulder, then pick up the pieces and put them back together over ice cream and chic flicks. I wish that when we met the one we'd be equally thrilled for the other, and jump up and down screaming like we were 13 year olds winning tickets to see Justin Beiber. I wish we'd be each other's maids of honor and give wonderful speeches, full of inside jokes, at the reception. I wish we'd have our babies and be so proud of each other. We'd love those little chunky monkeys like they were our own. And even if we moved across the state or country or world from each other, we'd always be inseparable. We'd always be sisters, knit together in our hearts.

Sisters and Book, Painting by Iman Maleki
 http://imanmaleki.com/en/Galery/sistersandbook.htm

I wish I hadn't wished so much. I wish I never expected my brother's wives to even be half of what I hoped I could have had in a sister. I wish Baby Brother finds the perfect woman, one who has room for another sister. And last but not least, I wish I marry a man with sisters who understand me, or no sisters at all.

to strangers

How is it that I want to share everything with you, people who do not know me? How is it that I can let down my guard and expose my heart to you, ones who have never met me? How is it that I cannot/will not let the ones who love me most in, but I will open my door to strangers? How is it that I can express myself to you almost uninhibitedly while simultaneously locking myself behind bars of my own creation?

Is it possible that you won't care enough to hurt me? Or perhaps I have kept you far enough out to let you in... As in, I have hidden my identity enough to be anonymous while at the same time completely nonymous. Could it be that I really just want to share this life, to feel that I am not unobserved--that my life will not go unnoticed--to make my unvoiced thoughts and opinions valid?! But this is my own doing! I refuse to let anyone in the real world know me. I hide myself enough to be acceptable, funny, charming, mysterious... But really I am complex, potentially psychotic, possibly unacceptable. There is so much in my mind--things I wish to share, to validate. Do I have no equal? Is there no one worthy of my trust?

I've said too much.

it'd be nice to let down my guard

There are days when I am acutely aware of the thoughts/feelings behind my actions. Until recently, there has been a black band guarding my left ring finger--as if to scare away the bad ones and thereby deter the good ones. But I wish I could change everything about the way I protect myself sometimes, but I'm not ready to drop my guard or my walls. I can't. I won't be hurt again. And despite all the walls I put up to keep people out--to keep them from hurting me--I know there is no way to make that a reality. People will slip through the cracks and into my heart, thereby holding some sort of power over me. Little, unintentional things will hurt me. I can't avoid it. 

And that makes me wonder... are the things I do avoid things I am really missing out on? By limiting my exposure to the world, am I missing opportunities to love and be loved, to enjoy life, to experience a depth of connection that I am currently lacking? 

And you know, I still feel good with that ring on my left hand. It feels safe... and boring. I'd like to forget about being safe, though, and take a risk. But every time I move the ring, I remember what it's like to cry myself to sleep, to be betrayed, to know that I am not valuable in the eyes of the one I love, and I never want to experience that again. So the ring goes back to the left, my heart goes back behind bars, and I am safe again. But the question always lingers, "Is it really worth it?"

uninspired dreamer

My new room does not inspire creativity. This new house does not have a creative spot in it anywhere. This neighborhood does not contain a creative area within 3 blocks! I'm feeling rather blah lately. So yeah, I'm really missing my second story apartment. I may just have to take my computron to work with me, so I can stare out the window at the beautiful architecture all around to be inspired to write something. Heck, I can hardly write a facebook status update anymore. What am I going to do?