Saturday, October 9, 2010

it'd be nice to let down my guard

There are days when I am acutely aware of the thoughts/feelings behind my actions. Until recently, there has been a black band guarding my left ring finger--as if to scare away the bad ones and thereby deter the good ones. But I wish I could change everything about the way I protect myself sometimes, but I'm not ready to drop my guard or my walls. I can't. I won't be hurt again. And despite all the walls I put up to keep people out--to keep them from hurting me--I know there is no way to make that a reality. People will slip through the cracks and into my heart, thereby holding some sort of power over me. Little, unintentional things will hurt me. I can't avoid it. 

And that makes me wonder... are the things I do avoid things I am really missing out on? By limiting my exposure to the world, am I missing opportunities to love and be loved, to enjoy life, to experience a depth of connection that I am currently lacking? 

And you know, I still feel good with that ring on my left hand. It feels safe... and boring. I'd like to forget about being safe, though, and take a risk. But every time I move the ring, I remember what it's like to cry myself to sleep, to be betrayed, to know that I am not valuable in the eyes of the one I love, and I never want to experience that again. So the ring goes back to the left, my heart goes back behind bars, and I am safe again. But the question always lingers, "Is it really worth it?"

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