i wish...

...I had a sister.

I really do. I wish we had grown up playing together, fighting, commiserating with, competing against, sharing clothes with a sister. I wish we'd drawn a line down the middle of our room and threatened each other if one item was out of place in our side. I wish we'd sneaked out the window at midnight together and spent the whole day at the pool together and hated each other so much but then thought better of it and made up the next day. I wish we'd braided and pulled and curled and cut each other's hair. I wish we'd stayed up all night telling stories and talking about boys. I wish we'd gone shopping and sat all day in the book store reading magazines and buying none. I wish we would have cried when one or the other went to college and promised to call and text and email all the time, then only done it half of the time cuz we just didn't anticipate how having our own lives would have changed us. But then we'd get together for a weekend or over the summer and pick right up where we left off. That's what sisters do. I wish that when our hearts had broken we'd cry on the other's shoulder, then pick up the pieces and put them back together over ice cream and chic flicks. I wish that when we met the one we'd be equally thrilled for the other, and jump up and down screaming like we were 13 year olds winning tickets to see Justin Beiber. I wish we'd be each other's maids of honor and give wonderful speeches, full of inside jokes, at the reception. I wish we'd have our babies and be so proud of each other. We'd love those little chunky monkeys like they were our own. And even if we moved across the state or country or world from each other, we'd always be inseparable. We'd always be sisters, knit together in our hearts.

Sisters and Book, Painting by Iman Maleki
 http://imanmaleki.com/en/Galery/sistersandbook.htm

I wish I hadn't wished so much. I wish I never expected my brother's wives to even be half of what I hoped I could have had in a sister. I wish Baby Brother finds the perfect woman, one who has room for another sister. And last but not least, I wish I marry a man with sisters who understand me, or no sisters at all.

to strangers

How is it that I want to share everything with you, people who do not know me? How is it that I can let down my guard and expose my heart to you, ones who have never met me? How is it that I cannot/will not let the ones who love me most in, but I will open my door to strangers? How is it that I can express myself to you almost uninhibitedly while simultaneously locking myself behind bars of my own creation?

Is it possible that you won't care enough to hurt me? Or perhaps I have kept you far enough out to let you in... As in, I have hidden my identity enough to be anonymous while at the same time completely nonymous. Could it be that I really just want to share this life, to feel that I am not unobserved--that my life will not go unnoticed--to make my unvoiced thoughts and opinions valid?! But this is my own doing! I refuse to let anyone in the real world know me. I hide myself enough to be acceptable, funny, charming, mysterious... But really I am complex, potentially psychotic, possibly unacceptable. There is so much in my mind--things I wish to share, to validate. Do I have no equal? Is there no one worthy of my trust?

I've said too much.

it'd be nice to let down my guard

There are days when I am acutely aware of the thoughts/feelings behind my actions. Until recently, there has been a black band guarding my left ring finger--as if to scare away the bad ones and thereby deter the good ones. But I wish I could change everything about the way I protect myself sometimes, but I'm not ready to drop my guard or my walls. I can't. I won't be hurt again. And despite all the walls I put up to keep people out--to keep them from hurting me--I know there is no way to make that a reality. People will slip through the cracks and into my heart, thereby holding some sort of power over me. Little, unintentional things will hurt me. I can't avoid it. 

And that makes me wonder... are the things I do avoid things I am really missing out on? By limiting my exposure to the world, am I missing opportunities to love and be loved, to enjoy life, to experience a depth of connection that I am currently lacking? 

And you know, I still feel good with that ring on my left hand. It feels safe... and boring. I'd like to forget about being safe, though, and take a risk. But every time I move the ring, I remember what it's like to cry myself to sleep, to be betrayed, to know that I am not valuable in the eyes of the one I love, and I never want to experience that again. So the ring goes back to the left, my heart goes back behind bars, and I am safe again. But the question always lingers, "Is it really worth it?"

uninspired dreamer

My new room does not inspire creativity. This new house does not have a creative spot in it anywhere. This neighborhood does not contain a creative area within 3 blocks! I'm feeling rather blah lately. So yeah, I'm really missing my second story apartment. I may just have to take my computron to work with me, so I can stare out the window at the beautiful architecture all around to be inspired to write something. Heck, I can hardly write a facebook status update anymore. What am I going to do?

i've been thinkin'

I know, it's pretty dangerous when I start thinking! But I've been doing a lot of that lately. haha... That kind of implies that I didn't spend much time thinking before... which isn't true. I guess the subject of my thoughts is what's changed. I have a lot of thoughts that I want to share, and some thoughts that should just stay in my head. But one of those thoughts that runs through my mind often is this blog. I've wanted to write several times and even thought about subject matter, but somehow it fades by the time I get home from work.

Speaking of which, I haven't really written anything of late for that exact reason. Starting a new job is stressful regardless of whether or not there is a smooth transition. Especially in this position. I'm in my 6th week of training and I still have 6 weeks to go before I'm "all trained in." I'm glad I've already had a background in HR to prep me for all this subject matter. But even taking that into consideration, this is still stressful! And come to think of it, I've only lived in this new location for 3 months. Moving is stressful, too. I haven't made many friends yet, even though I lived here most of my childhood and teenage years. Everything has changed and most of my old friends are gone by now. Making friends can be hard when you're starting over for the first time in a long time...

Now I'm not saying these things are bad. They are actually very good! It's great to be out of my dead-end job, commuting 103 miles a day (or 76 miles at my old apartment). It's good to be out of the old atmosphere, thinking about my dead-end ex every day. It's good to be starting over.

So I guess I need your help/input. Have you ever started over? How did you make friends? Did you meet a man and fall in love :D? Does he have a brother/son ;D? I need some advice here ladies! Help me get back in my groove. Oh, and thanks for sticking around and waiting for me to get my act together and come back to the bloggy world.

whirlwinds

So everything has pretty much changed since the last time I wrote on here. It all happened so fast, I've just been caught up in the twister. Really, I should have been blogging you all right through it, but then, my life is more interesting to me than it is to you, I'm sure! Plus also, (as Junie B. Jones would say :) it's summer and I'd rather be in my pool than tooling around on blogger. Sorry!

Anyway, I'm sure you're all dying to know about all of these changes, right?! Well, it started with me applying for some jobs. Then a few weeks later (if that) there was a phone call to set up a phone interview. Gulp! I waited... They said they would e-nail me by the end of the week either way. They called 3 hours later. After that there was a personal interview (in front of a panel, no less!). Then there was the wait! They called my boss for a reference check, and she, of course, said wonderful, amazing things about me and probably got me the job. I hope I can live up to her stellar reference... I love her! :D And I miss her too :'(. Most bosses wouldn't do that. But she knew I was not up for driving 2 hours a day any longer than I had to.

So my last day at the old job was last Wednesday. I have now completed 2 days of orientation at my new job and 2 days of training. Well, I'm ready now for anything, right? Wrong. This position requires twelve weeks of training. That's right, count 'em. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 12!! Yikes! But I'm sure I'll be uber prepared by then. I'd rather be over trained than make a lot of mistakes. 


And speaking of making mistakes, I can't make the one of staying up too late before work. I'll try to be more active in the bloggy world again and get back to reading your blogs, too! 

flashing before my eyes

Do you ever suddenly feel pretty darn old? Every time I roll my eyes at a teenager or see a couple who's younger than I am with a minivan and two children, I feel old. Of course, the fact is, I'm not really that old. Heck, I'm still in my mid-twenties! Maybe just the fact that I am no longer on the bottom of the totem poll is making me realize that I'm no kid anymore.

For example, last night my friend and I were out on the town. As we walked down the street, we saw a group of teens walking around with big name badges and matching tee-shirts. They were giggling and flirting and bee-bopping down the sidewalk in one giant swarm of youth conferencyishness. For a second, my friend and I were annoyed by their OMGing and generally loud demeanor. But then we remembered that, 10 years ago, we were the same way. And in that moment, I felt a little old. It's hard to believe that I'm already 10 years from matching tee-shirt youth conferences.

I think the reason behind this is that I have reached very few of the "normal" milestones for adulthood. Let's see, 1. I have a full-time job. 2. I have graduated from college. 3. I own a car (and I have since I was a teenager. Maybe that one doesn't count.) 4. ...Well, that's all she wrote, folks. I can't think of a fourth one. Maybe I'd start feeling like I belong in my 26 years if I had my own place or if I were married or had kids or something. Or maybe time just really does pass that fast. I guess pretty soon I'll be dead. x-(