free confession friday

So I'm back. Pretty much. I hope.

I've been away for a while, just because I've been sick/tired/distracted. But anyway, it's Friday. And I need to make a confession.

There are al ot of things I could confess (don't worry, I will later) but today, right now, I am quite distracted. That's because my dad is in the hospital. See, he had a heart attack 3 years ago. It was my senior year in college, I was working some 27 hours a week, failing classes, getting

behind... It was awful. I almost fell apart. Ok, maybe I did. It was one of the hardest times of our lives, I think.

Then tonight it happened again. My dad is only 53. He's too young to have a second heart attack. I'm too young to worry if my father will be there in 5 years or 1 year or next week. I can't go on without my daddy. I don't want to.

I got the call while I was driving home from work. It was the same as last time. Dad's having chest pain. They are running tests. Something about enzymes in his blood. Something's not right. I couldn't hear anymore. I don't really remember what Mom said. Everything kinda blurred after "Dad's in the hospital..."

By the time I finally got home, I was frantic, my hands and chest was going numb, and I was fighting to suck in the air I needed to breathe. I really think I had a panic attack. It took me a couple of hours to calm down. My shoulders are still so tense. But what can I do? I'll probably go up there tomorrow morning. Well, depending on the outcome of the tests. Maybe it's nothing and he'll be out of the hospital by tonight.

Anyway, I have calmed down quite a bit, mostly because of my roomies praying with me, praying myself, and remembering that God is in control. Even if things don't turn out how I think they should. God knows. Not to mention, I know that even if the worst does happen, I love my dad, he loves me, and this would never be the end. I'll always see my daddy again.

But here's the confession: I feel bad. Not for my dad (in this aspect) but for myself. That's because Mom and I had a girls' weekend planned for tomorrow and Sunday. Now it's not going to happen. So I feel guilty about feeling sorry for myself, but I really was looking forward to the weekend with Mom.

Oh well. There'll be other weekends to spend with Mom. Maybe this will be a Dad weekend.