Tuesday, June 1, 2010
odd one out
For some reason I constantly feel like I'm so "young" compared to other people my age... and not in a good way. It's more like a late-bloomer type of feeling. I'm going to be 26 this month and I really haven't reached any of the societal "norms" for people my age. I'm not married or even dating. I don't have any kids. I don't own a house. I don't even have my own place. I don't really have a career. Heck, I don't even have a pet! Where do I belong, then? I'm not a college student anymore. I'm certainly not in high school. But I'm also not a parent, or even a part of a young married couple. I'm single, but I'm not a career girl. So what am I? Who am I?
So that being said, I really have no responsibilities. Yeah, it's kinda nice, but at the same time, it makes me feel guilty. I see other people my own age struggling to care for families and children. They are investing time and energy into their marriage relationships. They are paying mortgages on houses. I do none of those things and it makes me feel like I'm irresponsible or something. I realize that it's ridiculous to feel this way, but that doesn't change how I feel. It's like feeling bad for eating food knowing that there are starving people in the world. Not eating won't make it any better for them, but it seems like you have to make up for the loss in some way.
People always ask me, "So what do you want to do with your life? What career are you interested in?" That's one of those questions that you should make up an answer to. Telling people, "Well, all I ever really wanted to be is a wife and mother," is not exactly a popular response. It may be the truth, but it sure does sound desperate.
I know my position in life shouldn't define me. I know I bear no guilt because I can watch tv at night while others have to lull babies to sleep. I know I'm not a bad person because I wake up later since I'm the only one I have to get ready in the morning. But knowing doesn't make me feel any more worthy or belonging.