armchair critic

I do believe I could be a great help to marketing specialists everywhere. I am, as a matter of fact, one of the best commercial critics (in my opinion) ever. I can tell you a good commercial (I want it) a bad commercial (I don't want it) a great commercial (I want it and I have absolutely no use for it) and a terrible commercial (I refuse to buy it even though I like the product).

An example of a great commercial: I think it was for a BMW or a Mercedes. The car was beautiful, black, sleek, and fast. And it was about three times my gross yearly income. I had to have one. I wanted the car so bad. The commercial created in me an irresistable (well, only in the sense that I wanted it a lot, but could never have it) desire in me that needed to be fulfilled.

Here's a terrible commercial: Light and Fit yogurt. A girl goes shopping. She's wearing this super tight top and has annoyingly blond hair. She's throwing cup after cup of yogurt into her cart, then

she just can't resist one moment longer. She grabs a container of yogurt, tears off the lid, sucks the whole thing dry, then licks her upper lip, touches her face (with bedroom eyes, no less), then smiles this kinky/sexy smile. It's gross. I like yogurt (I'm alergic to it and it makes me feel sick, but that's beside the point), but I won't buy Light and Fit. Oh, and HOM furniture should know that their advertisements bother the heck out of me! If I need a 5-piece bedroom set or an imported rug someday, you can be sure that I will never go to HOM. (Word to the wise: background music that makes the listener want to scratch their ears out of working condition is never a selling point.)

Then there are just good commercials, like pretty much anything that has to do with food that will one day clog my arteries beyond recognition. Of course, I am the consumer to end all consumers. A good commercial will make me run out of my house in leggings (shudder) with no makeup on at midnight to buy some product (usually fast food) that I don't need. A good commercial will also simmer in my mind waiting for the right time to work its wiley magic (on the off-chance that I didn't bolt from my perch on the couch). Kentucky Grilled Chicken is a great example of the simmering commercial. Unthink Lunch. Dang they're good!

Bad ones are forgetable. Not much more I can say about that. I don't remember! Sometimes I'll watch an entire commercial and not know what the product being advertised was. I've even watched an advert (as my British aunt calls them) several times and never heard a word that was said.

Well, that sums up my discussion on the importance of good marketing. If you are a marketing expert and you are reading this and you really need a good critic, I can fill that position for you. I'll make your advertising dollars work for you! Especially if you promise me a year's supply of free greasy goodness (and a gym membership).