spring

Go read my springy poem at rooftop harmonies, because I really like it, and I wrote it just for you!

hiding right in front of me

It's clear now that you never loved me

That's why you treated me like a piece of property

And it's obvious why you felt so much jealousy

Like your favorite toy, you didn't want to lose me

Even though you had others, you still wanted to use me

But now I see that I'm the one who's lucky

It was a long time before I could see

That away from you, I've finally been set free

The truth was hiding all along right in front of me

moving on... and UP

For all of you who read my Sticky Note Tuesday post and the stickies to my ex, here is an update. Funny how all this time I was hating on my ex and glaring at him and ignoring him etc, he continued to stop by the HR office and talk to his good ol' friend, Drama Queen. For months he has come to the office one, if not two, times a day. I know he can't really be that interested in Drama Queen. And I know him well enough to know that he is an attention junkie. It doesn't matter if I'm glaring at him, sending him Morse Code hate messages with my eyelashes; he just wants my attention--and preferably my affection. But you know, he'll take that or leave it. Well, probably not so much anymore, but he's a creep like that. I don't think it matters that he's married now. As I've come to see, he's not the most faithful person in the world. And in the end, he just wants me to keep thinking about him.

Well, it really ticked me off that on my birthday he, as usual, came into the office, looked directly at all the "happy birthday" balloons on my desk, and just walked right past me. He never said a word. So I decided a long time ago that when his birthday rolled around, I was going to be different. I would make a special effort to wish him a happy day.

As soon as I walked in in the morning, he was already there. "Happy birthday!" I said with a friendly smile on my face. He thanked me and left.

But that's not all. He came back on his lunch break. As he walked out to leave I stopped him, again saying "Happy birthday. You're really old now," I joked. He seemed uncomfortable, like he didn't want to talk to me. But at least he said thanks and left.

And here's the good great news... (drumroll please) I haven't seen him since Monday! He hasn't been back in to the office since the day of his birthday. Now perhaps he and DQ are fighting or something, but I don't think so. I think I finally got to him. As one of my friends put it, "he sees now that you don't care anymore. You're ok with everything and you're moving on."

And it's true.

I'm moving on. Because... Shhhhh now... I met a guy. I know, I'm whispering. That's because I don't want to break the spell. Nothing has happened yet, but he did say that he would like to spend more time with me.

I'm afraid to say anymore. Besides, nothing has really happened. There's no news to tell. Hopefully there will be. I'm not sure I'm ready for any of this and I'm really scared to death of relationships, but you never know. This could be the one that changes everything. I'm just not sure I'm ready to put myself out there again. It could be one more tragedy... Or it could be the best thing ever. Gulp.

Well, this post reminded me of a poem I wrote a long time ago, back in 2007 during my senior year of college. I think it deserves to be re-posted, so here goes.

closer to nothing

every day i come closer to finding

i know less and less every day

every step i take takes me farther

from where i thought i wanted to be

and when i stand and look in the mirror

i see a face whose dull eyes i don't recognize

and then i walk away

every day it gets harder to step out on a limb

to put myself up for scrutinization

i just want to walk away

and go back to the places where i have been

and if i thought this was hard before

i didn't know what it would be

to stand empty-handed at the door

and to have no one answer me

untitled #2

Life took me by the neck

And squeezed so hard

That the tears poured out of my eyes

Until they were all gone

And I was left empty.

untitled

She leaned out to kiss the cold, dark night,

And he, like a gentleman, took her by the arm

And led her into forever.

still breaking me

i looked into my nephew's tiny face

and all the feelings just came flooding back

and i saw his baby's tiny face

and i felt the pain all over again

i let him go

i didn't want to, but i had to

it was the right thing to do

"even with our fists held high

it never would've worked out right"

then i looked at his tiny face again

and saw, in part, my own image

the image of my family

and i knew i could've had that

i could've had it all

just like his wife has it all now

but i walked away

love at any cost,

a dull ache that wishes things were different,

is not love at all

miradas perdidas

you stand in the hallway and stare at me

feigning interest in the jobs up for post

i glance in your direction

our eyes meet

i look away, pretending i do not care

but i do.

to have you

I can't have you.

I can't not have you.

I can't unhave you.

I wish I could have you unhave me.

To have you hurt.

To not have you hurt more.

To have to see you kills.

To have to leave sets me free.

I have to get away.

blank slate

Can't think of anything to say.

Everything still reminds me of him...

The rims on that truck, the old apartment,

The hospital, the drive into town,

Every baby girl.

Every time I pass the infant care aisle

I see your face; I see her face

I want to wipe the slate blank.

I want to forget you forever.

Like she said, it's gonna hurt when it heals too.

the showdown

Everything I know of love is just a game of quick-draw.

Twelve paces then turn on the count of three.

Whoever dies first loses...

I want nothing to do with it.