free confession friday

So I'm back. Pretty much. I hope.

I've been away for a while, just because I've been sick/tired/distracted. But anyway, it's Friday. And I need to make a confession.

There are al ot of things I could confess (don't worry, I will later) but today, right now, I am quite distracted. That's because my dad is in the hospital. See, he had a heart attack 3 years ago. It was my senior year in college, I was working some 27 hours a week, failing classes, getting

behind... It was awful. I almost fell apart. Ok, maybe I did. It was one of the hardest times of our lives, I think.

Then tonight it happened again. My dad is only 53. He's too young to have a second heart attack. I'm too young to worry if my father will be there in 5 years or 1 year or next week. I can't go on without my daddy. I don't want to.

I got the call while I was driving home from work. It was the same as last time. Dad's having chest pain. They are running tests. Something about enzymes in his blood. Something's not right. I couldn't hear anymore. I don't really remember what Mom said. Everything kinda blurred after "Dad's in the hospital..."

By the time I finally got home, I was frantic, my hands and chest was going numb, and I was fighting to suck in the air I needed to breathe. I really think I had a panic attack. It took me a couple of hours to calm down. My shoulders are still so tense. But what can I do? I'll probably go up there tomorrow morning. Well, depending on the outcome of the tests. Maybe it's nothing and he'll be out of the hospital by tonight.

Anyway, I have calmed down quite a bit, mostly because of my roomies praying with me, praying myself, and remembering that God is in control. Even if things don't turn out how I think they should. God knows. Not to mention, I know that even if the worst does happen, I love my dad, he loves me, and this would never be the end. I'll always see my daddy again.

But here's the confession: I feel bad. Not for my dad (in this aspect) but for myself. That's because Mom and I had a girls' weekend planned for tomorrow and Sunday. Now it's not going to happen. So I feel guilty about feeling sorry for myself, but I really was looking forward to the weekend with Mom.

Oh well. There'll be other weekends to spend with Mom. Maybe this will be a Dad weekend.

saturday doldrums

It's Saturday and I'm bored. It's a beautiful day outside, but there's nobody to share it with. Days like this leave me trying to forget that I am alone. Trying to forget the one I still love, but have walked away from. Saturdays have brought me to the bottom of several bottles, hours in front of the telvesion, and a lot of lonely walks on the tracks. Anyway, today I am planted in front of the boob-tube, learning how to present myself as a model. Well, that is, if I were actually debuing on "America's Next Top Model." You gotta love these marathon thingies. 

Well, the real point of this post is that during one of the shoots, one model had to pose as the over-emotional cryer at an awards ceremony. She was having a lot of trouble expressing her emotions, and the host guy asked her what she was afraid of. Well, I of course, don't have any troubles crying. My mom always used to say that I would cry at the drop of a hat. Crying is not what made me think; it was the question. "What are you afraid of?" 

I started to think. What am I afraid of? I am afraid that I will never be good enough. I am afraid that I am defined by my failures. I'm afraid that my errors are the real me, and the good things I have done are the flukes. I can't tell you how afraid I am that nobody will ever love me. I didn't realize it, but I think these fears are crushing me. I live under the constant pressure that my fears are not to be dismissed, but rather the truth. I never realized that I was afraid. When I think of fear, I think of something irrational. But my thoughts seem very real. I do realize that my fears may be unfounded or untrue, but they are very real to me. The thing is, now I don't know what to do. How do I disspell fears? Everything I think about myself seems so true. 

I've been trying to get back into the habit of reading the Bible every day, but many times it doesn't seem real to me. I don't know what to study. But my mama told me... you better shop around (oh wait, that's not what she told me!) She actually told me to study something that interests you, something that you are facing in your life. I didn't know before. I hadn't thought about it, but now that I know, I can start. I just never  thought that fears were something I struggled with. I don't know where to start. I don't know what the Bible says about fears. Well, you know what they say: the joy is in the journey.