tired

i'm so tired of trying
i put this black ring on my finger
cuz i'm tired of lying
around, sitting here waiting
for someone to fly in
and sweep me off my feet
this life is not a fairy tale
and it's not fair as far as I can tell
cuz it's the ones who gave me hell
who are living the life I wanted, well
the life i think i wanted
or thought, because this life is not
what i thought it would be
now is time to wake up and see
that there's no such things as
happily ever after endings

changes, changes

So I moved. I'm now living with Army Wife and Husband. Soon Army Husband will be shipping out (just to the next state) and it will be just us chicas (plus Little Brother who is living in the basement somewhere. He occasionally peeks his head out.) She'll be shipping out sooner or later also, but that's well in the future. For now, I'll just enjoy my Adventure in Suburbia.

Anyway, if I seem scarce lately, it's because I just moved and I drive 103 miles to and from work a day. I'm tired when I get home and I guess I don't really have anything to give by then, not even to my blog. Besides, I'm still unpacking boxes and totes. But hopefully I can find a job in the area soon and things will become more settled. Until then I'll just be gathering the bloggy ideas in my head, maybe writing them down on paper so I can spit 'em out again here. See you cats later!

hate crimes--punishment based on motives?

I've been thinking about it lately... is it fair to punish so-called "hate crimes" more harshly than "regular" crimes? Who decides when it becomes a hateful crime? Is it less wrong to commit a crime with non-hateful intentions? Are "hate crimes" mere political jargon? If so, then why and to what end?

Now you be the judge. Which crime is worse?

Burning a church because the pastor offended you or burning a church because they are Christians?
Assaulting a man because he did not return the money you loaned him or assaulting a man because he is gay?
Slashing someone's tires because she is dating your ex or slashing someone's tires because she is black?
Shooting a child because she was in the way of your drive-by or shooting a child because she is Muslim?

And who determines what is hateful? Is it hateful to believe that homosexuality is wrong? When does hating become a crime in itself? Where do you draw the lines? Is putting a Koran in a toilet a hate crime? It has been charged as one. Is putting a Bible or the Book of Mormon or the Talmud in a toilet a hate crime? Is a crucifix in a jar of urine a hate crime? No, Piss Christ is a "work of art." 

So who determines what is a hate crime? What do you think?

terrible beauty

Today I was shopping at one of my favorite stores, Target, when I was drawn to the pajama area. I love jammies. They are my weakness... Well, one of them. I grabbed a pair of yellow flowered boxers and a ribbed blue tank. "Perfect summer pj's," I thought. As I put them in my basked, I saw a skimpy, white, little thing. It was so pretty and sexy. I wished, "I hope I will need that some day." 

Then I realized. I'm stuck somewhere between being the girl who, in her desperation, buys the lingerie even though she has no need for it and the girl who buys whatever she pleases, just because she likes it not caring what anybody thinks. I am neither of those girls. Desperation looks terrible on me, and I'm still not ready to give up and get 7 cats.

So here's to hoping that maybe someday I'll just need that pretty little thing.

six word saturday

I'm 26 now, so let's party! 

every smile lies

Every smile lies in the shadow of many tears. There is no hope. All is in vain.

odd one out

Have you ever felt like you don't belong? Do you ever feel guilty when you know you didn't do anything wrong? I was feeling both of those things today.

For some reason I constantly feel like I'm so "young" compared to other people my age... and not in a good way. It's more like a late-bloomer type of feeling. I'm going to be 26 this month and I really haven't reached any of the societal "norms" for people my age. I'm not married or even dating. I don't have any kids. I don't own a house. I don't even have my own place. I don't really have a career. Heck, I don't even have a pet! Where do I belong, then? I'm not a college student anymore. I'm certainly not in high school. But I'm also not a parent, or even a part of a young married couple. I'm single, but I'm not a career girl. So what am I? Who am I?

So that being said, I really have no responsibilities. Yeah, it's kinda nice, but at the same time, it makes me feel guilty. I see other people my own age struggling to care for families and children. They are investing time and energy into their marriage relationships. They are paying mortgages on houses. I do none of those things and it makes me feel like I'm irresponsible or something. I realize that it's ridiculous to feel this way, but that doesn't change how I feel. It's like feeling bad for eating food knowing that there are starving people in the world. Not eating won't make it any better for them, but it seems like you have to make up for the loss in some way.

People always ask me, "So what do you want to do with your life? What career are you interested in?" That's one of those questions that you should make up an answer to. Telling people, "Well, all I ever really wanted to be is a wife and mother," is not exactly a popular response. It may be the truth, but it sure does sound desperate.

I know my position in life shouldn't define me. I know I bear no guilt because I can watch tv at night while others have to lull babies to sleep. I know I'm not a bad person because I wake up later since I'm the only one I have to get ready in the morning. But knowing doesn't make me feel any more worthy or belonging.